Key Steps in Mastering Tough, Trick or Hostile Questions

If you’ve ever been pinned to the wall by an unexpected attack from a co-worker, boss or client, you know the gut-wrenching stress that comes from having to defend yourself on the spot. It’s an exasperating struggle to find the right words to ease the tension and gain understanding instead of ridicule or blame.

Most of us simply aren’t accustomed to having to defend ourselves with "brief" responses, which is about all we’re allowed in today's frenzied business climate. And once out the lips, it’s darn hard to take back an unintended comment. More than one career has been made, broken or stalled because of a poorly handled reply to an unexpected question.

These first four "theory” chapters show you how to minimize or altogether avoid falling victim to tough, trick or hostile questions. They outline key steps and techniques for gaining control of the momentum of questions so the emphasis is on your positive information. These techniques are demonstrated throughout the book in actual responses to specific questions that managers typically face.

People make a lot of embarrassing comments when responding under the stress of vexing questions. When we’re under attack, our defenses kick in, our anxiety pumps urgent messages to the brain recommending “fight or flight.” It’s a natural human reaction to want to deny, lie, evade or strike back in return.

Sometimes those actions work, but usually they produce miserable results. This book demonstrates highly effective alternatives. It demonstrates how the art of mastering tough questions can be learned by anyone.

But don't mistake technique for substance. Don't think that rhetoric alone can succeed under the fire of hostile questions. Don't become one of those managers who foolishly believe that a few tricky techniques will make them a silver-tongued executive. They fantasize themselves side stepping verbal bullets like the James Bond character who dances unharmed among machine gun fire and exploding bombs.

In real managerial life, you can’t avoid all verbal wounds. Nevertheless, your wounds don't have to be many, or fatal to your career or public standing.

To adequately defend yourself, you ought to have both substantive information and a good grasp of the methods set forth in this book. You intuitively know this already; think of the times you thought of the perfect rejoinder -- 10 minutes too late. You had the substance at hand but not the technique. Skillful rhetoric combined with substantive responses will make your words very powerful.

 

1.1  Taking Steps to Master Hostile Questions

Mastery over hostile questions really is not difficult to learn. Once you’ve done some practicing, it will come naturally, as it does for many people such as President Bill Clinton and Reverend Jerry Falwell. Both are widely admired for their skills in communicating during controversy. But they didn't get their skills by luck. Learn the few techniques they've mastered, practice them regularly, and you will surprise yourself by how comfortable you feel with your responses.

 

1.2  Understanding Tough Questions Leads to Mastery

To master hostile questions, the first step you must take is to understand them. You must realize that many tough questions are not inquiries at all. They are attacks, plain and simple.

They may attack your:

Cause, Plan, Logic,

     Record, Actions, Omissions,

          Organization, Role, Position,

               Expertise, Credentials, Character,

                   Premise, Assumptions, Information.

                       And anything else in range.

Most hostile questioners do not seek information alone, if at all. They usually attempt to damage, divide, embarrass, or defeat either you or your organization. They are more like moves in a chess game than a discussion. If you treat them as a discussion, you lose. So, if they aren't really questions, how does a manager answer them? (See item 21.1 for related comments.)

 

1.3  Learn the Advantage of a Response over an Answer

Understanding hostile questions will help you learn why a response is often better than an answer. A response gives you something to say without giving yourself away. In this context, a response includes what you want to say, not what you think you are supposed to say (answer).

Answers deal with only the literal meaning of the question but a response goes deeper by addressing major concerns surrounding the question. You will leap forward in your command of tough questions when you grasp this point.

Forget what your elementary school teacher said when she told you to "answer the question." You don't have to "answer" anything, unless you choose to do so. This doesn’t mean you should never answer.  Just remember that you do have a CHOICE -- answer or respond.

As a manager, you frequently have legitimate reasons for not giving direct answers to hostile questions. Because most hostile questions include attacks, you have legitimate reason to treat them as the threats that they are.

Tough questions can be difficult to answer for as many reasons as there are people who throw barbs at you. Perhaps intense or angry feelings prevent you from being as open or factual as you'd like. There's no way to say "I'm firing you because I just plain don't like you!" or "I'm not finished with the report because it was a stupid request on your part to begin with and not worth my precious time!''

Other times you may not have an immediate answer, but know you should say something. Consequently, you're stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. This is where half-truths, lies, exaggerations and guesses can unwittingly spill from even the most honest among us.

So what's the alternative? You need a response that will change the other person's perception of objective reality (the facts). Don't mistake that for being dishonest or deceptive. Objective reality is the hard facts of a situation, and each of us forms a different perception of a set of facts or objective reality.

The perception isn't reality or the "truth". Therefore, leading a person to a new perception is merely asking that person to see reality or the facts from another view point, or perception. The facts don't change, just our opinion of them.

Consider the difference between an answer and a response regarding a delay in one your assignments:

Question: “Why aren’t you making more progress?”

Here's what an answer limited to the literal question might sound like:

“Our committee has met three times and hasn't agreed on which solution to implement. Some committee members have offered recommendations that other members strongly oppose. We don't know when we are going to reach agreement.”

Now notice how the response below addresses both the cause of delays and the underlying concern of what will it take to make progress, which is really the primary issue.

Response: “These are complex problems, and there aren't any instant cures. The committee members have different backgrounds and have pretty diverse viewpoints. It's taking more time than we expected to sort through it all. But we all agree that we want to it right the first time. We meet again Thursday to narrow down the recommendations.”

See the difference? The first quote simply answers the question and leaves a perception of contentious bickering. The response, however, addresses underlying factors and portrays the committee as a group of knowledgeable but varied people struggling to solve a difficult problem. The response also builds a perception of things getting done.

An effective response gives the listener the right facts and the right feeling. It tells the truth, but goes further. It gives depth, justification, and understanding. Here's another example of a response:

Customer: "I told you that your employee treated me rudely. Are you just going to let him get away with that?"

Manager: “I believe that you have been offended, and I promise you this will not happen again. I'm going to look into this as soon as we're done talking here. That is not the way our associates have been trained to deal with customers.”

The manager accepts the customer's view (perception) but without condemning a possibly innocent employee. She does not answer whether she will discipline the employee as the customer expects. The manager's response promises action and assures the customer that the company maintains high standards of treatment.

Imparting the right feeling like this is easy once you get the hang of it. What's important is that you keep sight of your goals, and how you want the other person to react based on the perception . (Refer to items 14.2, 20.1, 30.2 and 33.2 for examples.)

1.4  Setting Goals -- Maintain, Sway, and Neutralize

If you don't know what your goals should be in your responses, you are guaranteed not to achieve them. You will fumble around and look confused, because you are. You cannot master a tough question if you don't take the step of setting a goal for your response. Response goals don't have to be complicated or terribly difficult, but you must have a one if you want to win instead of lose.

The easiest way to begin setting goals for your responses is to take a lesson from the public relations, advertising and political strategists, who believe there are three powerful and attainable goals for swaying and holding opinion:

 

Maintain the support you already have.

Sway the undecided.

Neutralize the unreachable. Here's a brief summary of these notions, and how they apply to the workplace: Maintain the support you already have.

Your responses should include points your friends can use to maintain and build upon their support for you and your views. Your supporters are your political base, and like it or not, office politics is much the same as governmental politics, only smaller. You need a base of friends and supporters to succeed.

Sway the undecided.

Issue strategists believe that perhaps 80% of the public is ambivalent on an issue, not caring one way or another and not likely to pay much attention to discussion That leaves 10 percent who are pivotal. They are concerned but not fanatical and interested enough to pay attention to the discussion.

Your workplace is probably no different. Your audience may well include a few key people who haven’t yet formed an opinion, at least not a strong one, but are interested enough to have an open mind and pay attention to your ideas.

It is doubly important if these people belong to the “dominant coalition” -- individuals who are the opinion leaders and power centers of your organization. (Refer to item 7.2 for related comments.) Add to your response key facts and words that appeal to the reason and emotions of the undecided.

 

Neutralize the unreachable

On any given issue there tend to be people with extreme viewpoints. Their hold on their opinion is strong and they aren’t likely to be swayed. Society often refers to them as fanatics, zealots and extremists.

This is also true of the workplace. People with the relatively same knowledge, background and experiences can be all over the spectrum on a policy, program or idea. Don't try to persuade the unreachable. It’s better that your response neutralizes them so they don't undermine the support you’re getting from the first two groups. Here’s an example:

“Some very knowledgeable and well intentioned people on one end of this issue are saying we are doing too much. Some very knowledgeable and well intentioned people on the other end are suggesting we are doing too little. I’m proposing we choose a middle ground that will enable us to do what’s just right.”

So according to this theory, changing opinion doesn’t mean your response must transform the viewpoint of the entire group. It doesn’t even mean your comments must directly change the viewpoint of a majority. Changing a group's viewpoint starts out by creating responses that convince a comparatively small number of aware but passive people -- as little at 10 percent -- to reflect on the question and form an opinion they haven’t had.

      How do you reach this pivotal 10 percent?

Avoid confrontation.

Focus on the positive.

Direct your responses at those who have an identifiable self interest in the subject.

Tie your message to the context of the audience – what’s in it for them?

Pay particular attention to those who belong to your organization’s “dominant coalition”. They are the ones who grasp the seriousness of the issue and can get others to follow. See Question 7.2. for more on dominant coalition.

Keep control of your emotions so you are not reacting to hostile questioners (and thereby being controlled by them).

Push the right emotional buttons that will generate cooperation and understanding.

Avoid words and phrases that inflame emotions even more.

To maximize the power of your responses, include the three major persuasive factors found in most great comments ranging from a sentence to a full speech. Those three factors are:

Logos:      Logic, facts, numbers, analyses, studies

Pathos:     Emotions, feelings, illustrative examples, personal experiences

Ethos:      Ethics, standards, rules, laws, mores, and other behavior codes

If you just throw facts at people, their minds tire quickly of listening to you. They may think your comments are "just a bunch of numbers that don't mean anything."  But you have only emotions or examples, your comments lack the depth that numbers can provide.

However, even with the logic of numbers and the feeling from examples, your responses need something to tell the listener what is normal or what's too extreme. That is why you need a reference to a code such as ethics, rules, laws or other standard set by whatever community you are dealing with.

See Chapter 4 for more on inflammatory words. Also see items 11.2, 11.3, 18.1, 23.2, 23.6, 26.5, 28.2, 29.2, 30.1 and 32.3 for related comments.

 

1.5  Taking Control by Bridging to Your Goals

Bridging is a tactic demonstrated throughout this book. It is the most important technique for mastering difficult questions. You've seen it used a thousand times by politicians, actors, reporters and other skilled communicators. They consciously use bridging to steer discussions in the direction they want.

With bridging, you use a bridge of words to draw attention away from the question and direct it toward the points you want to emphasize (again, a response instead of a simple answer). Done right, the method transfers people's attention from your alleged mistake or problem to your correction or solution. After all, rarely do people remember the question after it's been asked; it's the response they remember. Bridging is the best means for doing that.

When you are being questioned, you almost always have at least some control over the situation, and perhaps more than you realize. Just as people feel the right to ask you just about anything they want, you, in turn, have the right to answer in any way YOU want.

After you have briefly addressed the tough question, you can use some of these effective bridging remarks in almost any circumstance. Sometimes you may judge it best to skip the first part and go directly to the bridge. Listed below are simple bridges:

“I understand what you are asking; lots of people are concerned about that, but they need to know...”

“An important point about that is...”

“Your question is built on a common misconception. Let me explain the real problem...”

“The heart of the matter really is...”

"Actually, that relates to a larger concern...”

“If you look at the larger picture..."

“It’s much more important to realize...”

“That’s one of many concerns about this issue; however, we’re focusing on solutions, not just problems. One of the solutions is..."

If you just react to the questioner, he or she controls you. But bridging puts you back in control. With practice, you can bridge without appearing to evade the question. And don't evade for the sake of evasion. Done too often it's annoying and eventually fails. Usually it's best to answer the query with a few words then quickly bridge to your points.

Successful politicians (i.e., those who win re-election) learn early to employ bridging. Those who don’t usually don’t survive the political arena. Office politics are no different.

 

Points to remember:

Bridging won't work every time -- no method does.

Bridging won’t win over everyone -- nothing does.

Bridging will work most of the time for most people in most situations -- nothing works better.

Proven bridging methods that boost your power over hostile questions are detailed throughout Chapter 2: "Using Bridging Formulas To Turn Tough Questions To Your Favor”. They are demonstrated often in Chapters 5 through 33.

 

1.6  Acknowledging Mistakes to Get Past Them

Common sense dictates that it's best to admit to a mistake, particularly when it’s glaringly apparent to others. Don't pretend it didn't happen. Not admitting to an obvious error anchors everyone's attention to past mistakes. It prevents you from directing their attention to the future, where you have more influence.

Unfortunately, millions of bad responses, regarding issues of all types, come about by a decision-making process lacking a critical element: common sense about the obvious.

Refusing to admit to an obvious mistake also encourages people to wonder what else you're hiding. In our society and work places, friends, bosses and colleagues don't grant forgiveness until we confess and atone. Get rid of the drag by briefly acknowledging obvious errors; then bridge to corrective actions. Switch the focus to solutions as quickly as you can.

See Chapters 28, 29, and 30 for sample responses and additional tips. See items 14.3, 14.7, 23.1, 30.1 and 33.4 for specific examples.

 

1.7  Showing Understanding To Gain More Credibility

One way to insure that no one accepts your response is to ignore or insult other viewpoints. A common characteristic of an ignorant manager is his or her compulsive insistence on "we-versus-them" answers to complex questions.

This type of manager reduces everything to simple dualities -- right or wrong, good or bad, friend or foe, guilty or innocent.  The other person is guilty, shady, arrogant, selfish, stupid, misguided and so forth. If you bring up something to discuss that the thick headed manger doesn't want to hear, she bluntly says, "That's irrelevant. It doesn't have anything to do with anything."

We all have worked for people like that.  A manager who responds that way loses credibility fast, even with friends and supporters.

You on the other hand gain advantage with the people you seek to persuade by acknowledging other viewpoints as you respond. You gain credibility by demonstrating your respect of the other person’s opinion. Our society deems it a virtue to have an open mind and show respect for other ideas. The virtue doesn't require you to agree with them, but recognize them respectfully.

 

Recognizing other views will alleviate tension that blocks other people from listening to your responses. For example, how do co-workers, employees and customers respond when their feelings and comments are ignored? With more intensity -- they argue more, listen less, and yell louder.

 

An acknowledgment won't eliminate their emotions completely, but it will reduce their determination to focus on them, again providing your response a better chance of getting through.

See items 2.1, 7.3. 15.2, 25.1, 26.4, 33.4 for specific suggestions, and generally review Chapters 5, 25, 27, and 33 for model responses and detailed techniques that include the advantage of acknowledgments.

 

1.8  Depersonalize Responses To Reduce Confrontation

Just about everyone has learned to make letters and speeches more personal (“touchy feely”) by using pronouns such as you, we, I and us. Their use is intended to make recipients feel closer to the author or speaker. In apparent frustration over this, Mark Twain long ago wrote: “Only kings, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the inclusive word ‘we'.”

In responding to hostile questions, however, you may not want to introduce an emotional connection.  Use general third-person statement to create a buffer space between you and the antagonist.

          Question: "Why don't you ever listen to me!"

          Personalized response: "I listen to everything you tell me."

          Depersonalized: "I try very hard to hear what any employee has to say."

See how the personalized response intensifies the emotional stress between you and your antagonist. In contrast, the depersonalized response subtly creates a buffer space between the two of you by generalizing attention to any and all employees, not just the one in front of you at the moment.

Another example:

        Question: “Is this chemical leak responsible for our illnesses?”

        Personalized response:   “I don’t doubt you have these illnesses. I d
       doubt your illnesses are caused by the chemical leak.”

Depersonalized:   “I don’t doubt some people have illnesses. But testing by both government and independent laboratories has not detected a link between the two.”

 

The depersonalized response is less confronting because it does not directly threaten the questioner as the first response does, "I do doubt your illness..." If the questioner wishes to challenge your depersonalized comment, he must begin talking about distant third parties. Even that would help you further because it keeps the focus away from the questioner.

In the second example's personalized response, the respondent unnecessarily takes on responsibility for the government’s position that there is no proven link between the illnesses and chemicals.  By doing so, she invites criticism directed at her also, which otherwise could be limited to the findings reached by other people.

Which is better, personalized or depersonalized? Neither. What works for a given situation is best and what aggravates it is not. If creating a closer feeling will help establish rapport and not likely threaten the questioner, then a personalized response probably will help you master the tough questions.

 

However, if your response will refute the questioner so strongly that he will be intimidated, you may be better off using the third-person depersonalized approach. In regard to deciding whether you should use personal pronouns in responses, consider the rule of thumb for journalism (and some say, surgery, too), which says, "When it doubt, take it out."

See items 5.1, 6.1, 13.1, 19.1 and 32.1 for additional examples of personalized and de-personalized responses.

 

1.9  The Tactical Advantage of Telling the Truth

When you formulate a response, don’t say it if it isn’t so! That is isn't a lesson in morality; it's excellent tactical advice on handling tough questions. If you decide on the spot to starting lying, you immediately weaken your capability to win the contest.

While you already know the truth, you don't know much about other information that you'll have to instantly invent to support your false statement as follow up questions are thrown at you.

At that point, you have to remember the first false statement, invent new information to support the first one, remember the new false information, and also think of what methods you will use to respond. Not even an Olympic gymnast could keep her balance very often with that much to handle.

 

The methods and responses in this book assume you will tell the truth. If the idea of telling the truth frightens you, your problems go far beyond your need for skill in handling tough questions. Again, you need substance and skill; having only one of the two won't work.

 

The realization that you don’t have good answers because you don’t have good policies or programs should be a red flag. Consider making changes or improvements so you can justify your actions when the tough questions hit. Refer to items 11.2, 33.1 and 33.4 for additional examples and comments.

1.10 Building Skills By Preparation, Practice, Patience
1.11 Use Worksheet, Tool Kit To Expand Repertoire
1.12 Be Patient To Avoid Discouragement

 

1.10  Building Skills By Preparation, Practice, Patience

If you read a diet book but never acted on its advice, would you lose a pound just because you read the book?

Of course not, and the same principal holds true with mastering tough, trick and hostile questions.  Just reading this book but taking no action will not make you as skilled as Bill Clinton or any other master of verbal gamesmanship.  You must put your good intentions into action by building skills through preparation, practice and patience.

 

Use the work sheets at the end of each chapter to reinforce what you have learned. Taking a few minutes to do that after reading a new chapter will ingrain this knowledge in your mind for years to come.

 

If you want to develop even more sophisticated tough-question capabilities, then get your own tough questions "Tool Kit." To assemble your kit, get a stack of index cards, a rubber band, and a pencil (not pen). This is your “tool kit."  Don't be deceived by its simplicity -- great things don't have to be expensive or complex. (Hey, that's a great response to a tough question!)

 

On one card, write down a thorny question that you'd have trouble answering. Using only pencil, on the back of the card jot down a few points you might include in your responses. This is only draft, and you're using pencil, so you can and should change them later. Don't try to get it perfect at this point or you'll lose the entire effect.

 

The beauty of this method is that the small space of the 3x5 card forces you to be brief -- so keep it brief. Repeat this process with several more troublesome questions -- one question per card. Place the rubber band around the cards and carry them and a pencil with you for the next few days. When you have a few moments, pull out a card, ask yourself the question and practice giving your answer aloud but without reading it.

 

Do you doubt that you can boil down your message to the limited space of a 3x5 card? Is your message so complex and important that you require at least one full sheet of 8x11 paper. If you think so, consider the phrase that "all emphasis is no emphasis." If you don't select a few points to be most important, your listeners will make the selection for you, or they'll ignore you.

 

If leaders of government and corporations can learn to reduce the message to its bare essentials, so you can you, if you practice. (Refer to items 14.4, 16.2, 18.6, 33.1, and 33.5 for additional comment.)

 

1.11  Use Worksheet, Tool Kit To Expand Repertoire

Practicing with the worksheets and your tough questions tool kit will expand your repertoire of great responses. Make extra copies of the worksheets as you progress through the book, so you'll have extras on hand for convenient practice.

 

Because practice will embed the new responses in your long-term memory, they will be available to you instantly any time you’re caught off guard. It’s a great confidence builder. Almost certainly you'll be less defensive.

 

Finally, the most important reason for taking time to prepare is to make the mistakes during your preparation so you don't make them, or as many of them, when the real time comes. A sports team practices so it makes its mistakes before the game, not during it. (Refer to item 15.2 for related comment.)

 

1.12  Be Patient To Avoid Discouragement

Be nice to yourself in your efforts to master tough questions. Be patient. You are developing new thinking habits while embedding new response phrases into your memory. It will take awhile to create responses that you will like and will be comfortable with.

 

Moreover, it takes time to break old habits that you used to use in making impromptu responses, and then replace them with new habits from this book. Although you are building new habits, you should not try to become like someone else whom you may admire for his or her skills in handling tough questions.

 

Always be you. If you try to act like someone else while you are also trying to think of crucial responses while under hostile fire, you probably will mess up your replies or your act, one of the two.

You will either come across clumsy or you'll sound phony and insincere. So just be yourself while you concentrate on the method and substance of your responses.

Be patient. Don't be discouraged by the first few times you feel awkward about employing your new skills. They will come quick enough, just keep preparing and practicing.